The Vampire Diaries: Rescue Me, Kill Me, Whatever

In last night's episode of The Vampire Diaries, Caroline and Enzo are on a mission to kill Stefan's final doppelganger, Damon's on a mission to get Elena back, and Elena's on a mission to stop having sex with Damon. Lesser women have tried and failed, honey. In fact... I volunteer as tribute!

Watch this episode "Rescue Me"


The episode opens with yet another Traveler doppelganger locator spell being performed on poor Stefan. We see Doppelganger-Stefan rushing a patient to Atlanta Metropolitan Hospital, while Sloan pressures real Stefan to tell her what he sees. Now that they know where he is, his friends (Caroline and Enzo) can go kill him.

Meanwhile at Casa de Salvatore, Elena wakes up in bed with Damon. Still, she insists that nothing has changed. The relationship is still over and they still need to be done.
Elena: Last night was a mistake.
Damon: Maybe we should keep making mistakes. Big ones.
(I literally cannot count how many times I have had that exact conversation.)
Elena: Seriously Damon, put some clothes on, or at least get out of my way. I need to go.
Damon: Your loss, I make one hell of a naked breakfast.

Ian Somerhalder can make me naked breakfast anytime. In fact, they really need to create some more reasons for him to be naked on the show.

Elsewhere (we assume Atlanta) Enzo and Caroline are sitting at a diner eating breakfast, when Sloan calls.
Enzo: Atlanta Assassination Squad. How may we be of service?
Sloan: I take it you haven't located the doppelganger yet.
Enzo: You told us to find a nameless paramedic at the scene of a car accident in a city full of freeways, fried green tomatoes and terrible drivers. It's not exactly as easy as it sounds.
They learn that the doppelganger's name is Tom Avery and in the vision Stefan had, he was delivering a patient to Atlanta Metropolitan Hospital. Caroline is pissed, because Sloan was supposed to stop using Stefan to "psychically doppelbomb" him because she's frying his brain! She doesn't care. She needs Stefan and Elena to be the last doppelgangers on earth so their blood will be powerful enough for whatever naughty business the Travelers are secretly up to.

At the Mystic Grill, Damon gets a drink next to Tyler (he's not drinking with him, he's just drinking beside him) while Matt looks on from behind the bar. Liv the bitch witch arrives and shortly Jeremy enters and sits down with her, which piques Damon's interest.

At Mystic Falls High School, Elena is waiting on line for parent/guardian meetings with Jeremy's teachers. She calls Bonnie to tell her that she and Damon broke up - this time it's final - and that she slept with him almost immediately post-breakup. She mentions that Jeremy wasn't home last night and Bonnie wonders where he was if he wasn't there or with her. Hmm... When Elena gets to the head of the line, the school administrator says it's nice to see her but she isn't listed as Jeremy's primary contact. Who is?
Damon: Damon Salvatore. Present.
At Atlanta Metropolitan Hospital, Enzo and Caroline wait for news about Tom Avery. Caroline is being cold to him and he wonders if it's because of him or the mission. He thinks he's earned at least a little niceness thanks to hand-delivering the antidote that kept Damon and Elena from trying to eat each other to death. She juts doesn't trust him.
Caroline: I still don't even understand why you're even here.
Enzo: Damon's trying to be a good boy these days, which means I'm in need of a new murder buddy. I'm joking! A joke. British humor.
He mentions that Damon said he is her type -
Enzo: ...well-traveled, charming accent, dodgy morals...
Caroline: ...arrogant, tactless, completely unable to take a hint.
Enzo: Precisely.
- but also that she reminds him of someone who used to work for the Augustines (Maggie). She reminded him that he was good. They ask to see Tom Avery, but the doctor tells them that he disappeared four months ago. Do they have the wrong guy? Or is Stefan's psychic doppelbombing showing him reruns?

Sloan and Stefan and the rest of the Travelers are right outside Mystic Falls, waiting for their fearless leader, Marcos. Caroline calls and is pissed that they gave them bad information. Stefan says he can't remember anything from the spell. Sloan says that if they're seeing old memories it means they have to go deeper and starts to do the ritual again. In another flashback, she sees Tom speak to a red-haired woman named Hazel. He saved her friend's life the night before and offers to buy him dinner to say thank you. She gives him her address, 6643 Peachtree Drive, which is a good clue for the Assassination Squad. Stefan tells Caroline not to do it because he's a good person, but Sloan reminds her that the clock is ticking.

I posed the question months ago (when we were first introduced to the reasons for the Stefan and Elena doppelgangers - or rather the Silas and Amara doppelgangers to be more precise) if perhaps there was either an older Stefan doppelganger destined to be with Katherine or some other younger doppelganger destined to be with Elena. So I'm thinking maybe Tom was destined to be with Elena instead. Why didn't he ever leave Atlanta and move to Mystic Falls? If the doppelgangers were destined to find each other and fall in love, century after century... why didn't Tom Avery ever find his own Elena-doppelganger to be with? Seriously, this show keeps rewriting the mythology with little to no regard to the so-called "rules" they've already given us. 

Back at Vampire Parent Teacher Conferences, Damon tells Elena that he saw Jeremy and Liv sharing a drink at the Grill earlier. She refuses to believe that Jeremy would cheat on Bonnie.
Damon: Need I remind you he once had an affair with a ghost. The only thing that was missing was a sappy love song and a pottery wheel.
Elena: He learned his lesson. Jeremy's not a cheater. 
Mrs. Douglas: Okay, sorry to keep you waiting. Bad news first: Jeremy's missed 11 days of school, he started 3 fights and he's been caught cheating in math class... twice.
Damon: Cheating? That is so not like him.
The teacher tells him that Jeremy needs a stable home life and Elena promises to do better.

Back in Atlanta, Enzo and Caroline finally end up at 6634 Peachtree Drive.
Enzo: It's a miracle we found the place .Every other street in this blasted city is "Peachtree".
(So true Enzo, so true.)

The door is locked, and despite having spent 70 years in a cage, Enzo still hasn't learned to pick a lock well. Instead he yanks off the entire doorknob and the door opens. There are all kinds of witchy markings on the floor and they see the red-haired woman Hazel in the middle of a spell/trance/something. He eyes are totally white, gross. They can't enter due to the fact that Hazel owns the house, so Enzo throws the doorknob at her head, killing her instantly. Now they can enter, thanks to the fact that he is a murderous vampire.
Meanwhile, back at the college, Bonnie goes over to say hi to Luke (Liv's brother, only she doesn't know that yet). Just then Hazel appears.
Hazel: You're the anchor. If I'm here that means I'm dead. Tell him I failed. Tell him I was trying to hide the doppelganger with magic but they found us.
Bonnie: What are you talking about? Who are you?
Hazel: Hazel. He'll know the rest.
She passes through her, while Luke looks at her like she's crazy. Then she tells him Hazel's message.

Back at the Grill, Liv and Jeremy are still sitting together. She tells him she is going to do a "silencing spell" to keep nosey hybrid types from snooping (i.e., Tyler, who has just asked Matt "what's up with those two?") He tries to listen in on them but he can't hear anything. Liv tells Jeremy that he's there because he's a hunter, meaning he can't be mind-controlled by Travelers. That officially makes him the only person in the room she can trust. She tells him she heard a rumor going around in witch circles that the Travelers are up to something. (Lesson: Travelers aren't witches exactly. They're like the ugly stepsister to witches and hold a grudge against anyone who draws their power fro, nature - "something about witches cursing the land to turn it against them"). So Liv is supposed to be a newbie witch who doesn't know anything about magic or witches, to the point that Bonnie is mentoring her, but yet she knows all this and is up on what's being discussed in "witch circles"? And she's telling Jeremy and not suspecting that he may go back to his girlfriend Bonnie with the info? Really?

She tells him he needs to help her figure out what the Travelers are up to, in order to keep Elena safe.
Liv: Your sister. Turns out Elena's friends are right. The world actually does revolve around her.
Just then she gets a text from Luke that Hazel is dead and they need to move on to Plan B. She leaves Jeremy, telling him that he was Plan A and plans change.Tyler notices and followers her, telling her it's rude to leave Jeremy hanging, even for a "newbie witch". She uses her powers to throw him across the room and informs him that she is not a newbie witch. Okay then. Secret is out!

At the high school, Elena defends Jeremy and Damon reminds her that she always makes excuses for the people she loves. The worse the behavior, the more she defends it. Ah patterns.
Damon: I don't know what to say or do or think. All I know is that right now I want to rip your clothes off right here in the middle of this hall and throw you in one of these classrooms and kiss every square inch of your body while people who drive minivans listen, wishing they were us. That's probably a bad idea, right?
Elena: Right.
Yes please.

Back at Hazel's house, Caroline and Enzo fight over murder. Caroline just isn't the murderous type, which is a good thing, probably, except that she's not going to be able to kill Tom when she needs to even if she does want to save Stefan. They find Tom in the basement, unconscious, hooked up to IVs and shit.
Enzo: Why would a witch go to such lengths to keep a man alive and off the grid for four months?
Caroline: Four months ago Silas died .The original Stefan-ganger.
Enzo: He's a dead ringer alright. Or rather, soon to be dead.
Caroline tries to kill Tom, but she can't do it. Just then he wakes up. She compels him to trust her and then snaps Enzo's neck instead of his. Huh... how is that going to save Stefan's life? She tells him that she's getting him out of there.

Back on campus, Bonnie talks to Luke. She now knows that he is Liv's twin brother and a witch. He tells her not to be mad at Liv, they just have a messed up family (um, understatement but really who doesn't on this show? We could play "Who Has The Worst Parent?" for days with these characters.) Just then Jeremy calls to tell Bonnie about his conversation with Liv. He thinks that Elena may be in danger because she is apparently important to the Travelers for some reason.

Elena meets Damon in the science lab and locks the door. They kiss, make out on the counter, knocking over beakers and shit... this is very irresponsible... oh wait it's just a daydream. And it's Elena's daydream! Yeah Damon was right, she isn't over him. She leaves the science lab to get some air and while there are probably like a dozen bathrooms on campus, she goes to the fucking wood shop to splash some water on her face. Really? You're a vampire, shouldn't you stay as far the fuck away from wood shop as possible? Totally contrived plot device! Liv shows up and starts using magic to throw wood at her (there's got to be a joke in there somewhere). She's pinned her to the wall with makeshift stakes.
Liv: Sorry about this. My coven did everything in its power to protect you, but you're just too dangerous.
Elena: I don't know what you're talking about.
Liv: And you never will.
She's about to stake her, when Damon shows up to save the day! He knocks Liv out.
Damon: Little tip. When you show up to kill someone, don't waste time feeling bad about it.

Damon frees Elena from the wall and has put Liv's hands in a vice. He's going to torture her until she talks. She explains that she's the last female doppelganger and after tonight there may be only one male doppelganger. The Travelers will come to use her and the witches can't let that happen. Jeremy shows up to be morally outraged without any information.
Jeremy: You want to kill Liv, you're going to have to kill me too.
Hey dumbass, this bitch you're ready to die for just tried to murder your sister!!!! She tried to MURDER your SISTER! Why don't you get off your high horse and fucking learn what's going on before you jump to conclusions bro? (Sorry, but Jeremy has been pissing me the fuck off lately and especially if he's defending asshole Liv.) Outside the school, Luke pulls up to the high school - presumably to meet Liv - but Matt and Tyler get out to stop him.
Luke: Who are you?
Matt: Friends of Jeremy. And Elena.
Tyler: And Damon... sometimes.
Matt: Oh and don't forget Bonnie. She's the one who told us might be here.
Luke: Well blood's thicker than water. And my sister's in there so...
He is about to throw them across the parking lot with magic, but Tyler grabs him by the neck first. (Because Liv showed them that trick before.)
Jeremy: What are you waiting for Damon? Go on, it wouldn't be the first time you killed me.
Damon: She tried to stake your sister you idiot. and she's gonna do it again.
Jeremy: She won't. She is gonna help keep Elena safe. I will make sure of that.
Damon: How? You can't even get a passing grade in penmanship.
Do they still teach penmanship? In high school? Oh Damon, the fact that you're from the 1800s is totally showing. Jeremy tells Elena to trust him, but she says she can't exactly trust him and his decision-making process after all the crap he's been pulling in school. But he counters with the fact that of course he can't care about school, look at the shit he deals with on a daily basis.

Jeremy: It's not like I can bring my teachers a note and say sorry I missed class, we were under a doppelganger invasion. 

(It's true. Someone's always trying to kill him and/or his sister and/or his best friends... his girlfriend is a dead witch anchor to the other side... and his emergency contact at school is a murderous vampire who has literally killed him before. No wonder he's failing math!)

Jeremy tells Elena that Liv knows more about the Travelers than she's letting on and since Elena does trust Jeremy she tells Damon to leave them. Stupid move, since she did just try to kill Elena. Outside Liv complains to Luke that he wasn't there to help her. She tells Luke that if the Travelers are coming for Elena and/or making a move on Mystic Falls, Jeremy and his hunter skills will be an asset, and he insists on bringing in Matt and Tyler to the team. What the heck?

Caroline has brought Tom back to the same diner, where he eats as though he hasn't had any food in four months. He tells her the story of meeting Hazel, etc. and the story of his life (thanks to her compelling him). Turns out Tom is a great guy - he's super nice and has no skeletons in his closet. Ugh, I knew that the newest Stefan-doppelganger would be even more boring than Stefan. Seriously, Silas is dead. Katherine is dead. All the best bad guys are missing. We really need a Damon doppelganger!

She imagines Tom choking on his food and dying, while she refuses to help. But she doesn't actually have the heart to kill him in real life, so she tells him she can't take what she wants from him because she reminds him of someone she cares about. She compels him to leave town and go far far away and live happily ever after.

As she walks him away, so he can leave and be safe, Enzo arrives and snaps his neck. Turns out she's not the only one who cut a deal with the Travelers. They told him they know where to find Maggie. (Isn't Maggie going to be like 80+ years old now? I wonder which of the regular characters is Maggie's grandkid. Come on, you know that's coming, right?)
Caroline: If she's anything like me then she just lost all respect for you.
Enzo: Then I'll earn her forgiveness in time because unlike you, Caroline, I'm willing to do whatever it takes for the people I love.
He gives her permission to tell Stefan that she is the one who saved his life, even though she was about to let Tom leave (effectively killing Stefan).

At Casa de Salvatore, Damon offers Elena a drink and Elena tells him that Jeremy's teacher was right. They are not just bad for each other, they are bad for Jeremy.
Damon: Jeremy's whole life is bad for Jeremy.
Jeremy says he is going to go stay at Matt and Tyler's place for a while. He should have moved out a long time ago and things are always going to be crazy, so he needs to learn to deal with crazy on his own.  She promises to call every day and stay more involved. Seriously Jeremy has been a real fucking brat this episode. He should be so grateful that both he and his girlfriend were able to come back from the dead and that his sister's is no longer being inhabited by an evil doppelganger. Can't he just cut Elena some slack and not be an asshole for a little while?

Later, Elena packs up a back to go back to campus. Damon tells her that her leaving doesn't solve anything.
Elena: It's not just that we're bad for each other. It's that when we're together, we do bad things for each other. I can't live like that.
She needs him to let her go. He kisses her on the forehead and tells her to travel safe. Aww. Of course, it's kind of annoying that the writers dragged this breakup out for so long. Damon broke up with her and she was against it. Stefan makes him try to get her back and he does, but then Katherine takes over her body and dumps him. He goes crazy and murderous until Elena gets her body back. They literally stop each other from eating each other to death and then they both decide they need to break up? And then have sex. And then break up again. Seriously, just make a decision CW!

Caroline returns to the junkyard to tell Stefan about her trip to Atlanta. She tells him she failed. She couldn't kill Tom, not even to save Stefan.
Stefan: You do realize you're feeling guilty for not being able to kill somebody, right?
She tells him that Enzo did kill Tom and so now Stefan is even more important to the Travelers (now that he is the last doppelganger). She doesn't know what to do now. He suggests they go to sleep, recharge and figure it out tomorrow. He knew that she wouldn't be able to kill Tom. Not that she "couldn't" but that she "wouldn't" because that's what makes her her. They snuggle up and go to sleep. Yes, the writers have definitely got a Stefan-Caroline romance in the works.

Bonnie calls Jeremy. She still hasn't heard back from him. She has questions, she's confused, and she misses him. Jeremy is being a really shitty boyfriend lately. And a shitty brother. And a shitty character. Let's re-kill Jeremy! He's overdue to be killed, isn't he?

At the same time, Stefan and Caroline wake up to the sound of Traveler chanting. They sneak over to see what they are doing...

They are drinking the doppelganger blood (ewwww) and while they don't understand the chanting, one word is repeated within it - Marcos. All the doppelganger burst into flames and then appear to Bonnie. One by one they pass through her to the other side. She tries to get away but feels all their deaths in a row, moaning in pain until she passes out. A dark shadow emerges from her unconscious body and becomes a creepy dude, who we can only assume is Marcos. Say whattttt?

So wait, if all that the Travelers really needed from Elena and Stefan in order to get Marcos was the blood - that they already had - why did Liv try to kill Elena? That wouldn't have actually done anything to stop Marcos from coming, would it? Further proof that Liv is a fucking dick. Seriously, the CW needs to do a mass killing and get rid of some of these annoying characters. Let's just do a spin-off already.

Watch this episode, "Rescue Me", on Amazon Instant Video. Catch up on past episodes here

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