5.16.2014

The Vampire Diaries: Worst Season Finale Ever

It's a good thing last night was the Season Finale of The Vampire Diaries, because I'm pretty much done with this show. I'm very unhappy with this finale. Aside from the fact that pretty much none of this shit even made any sense, the last minutes made me very very angry. So yeah, whatever. I'm sure they will find a magical way to un-do all this next season but I'm still pissed off on principle.

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The episode opens up with Stefan still dead and Caroline is still crying over Stefan's dead body. Seriously, I would've been okay if it ended just like that. Or even if last week was the season finale and we were just like "oh well, Stefan is dead, no big deal." I have literally no feelings about Stefan's death other than annoyance. (And that annoyance is based on everyone else being so torn up about it and probably spending an entire episode trying to bring him back.) Anyway, I know it's only supposed to have been a few minutes but it feels like she's been crying for an entire week.  Caroline has brought his dead body to the dorms because well, I guess there only a few different sets over at the CW and this one seemed as good a place as any to cry over your dead friend. Also it's just outside Mystic Falls so the no-magic spell hasn't reached them there yet.

Elena and Damon arrive and are both upset. But they seem less upset than Caroline, more kind kind of like "oh shit, Stefan's dead" instead of "nooooooooooooo Steeeeeeeeeeeeeefan whyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Just saying. Caroline says that Bonnie has to find a way to bring him back, because no one important is allowed to die on this show. Damon says they'll bring him back, even though he has no idea how they're supposed to actually do that. Then they go to hide his body from "prying eyes" because a dead vampire body would totally be the weirdest thing that's happened lately.

On "The Other Side" (a.k.a. the spooky blue version of the real world) Stefan is like "oh shit, I'm dead" and then starts to get pulled away into wherever it is that the dead people have been pulled away to in the last few episodes. Just then someone grabs his hand and pulls him back. It's Lexi! His BFF from Season 1 (or whenever).
Lexi: Looks like I've now saved you from metaphorical darkness and actual darkness. I think you owe me a beer.
Oh Lexi, never change.

In Bonnie's dorm room Damon is pissed. He's mad that Stefan is dead. He's mad that Bonnie's plan is all fucked up now. He's mad that the Traveler who knew the "come back from the dead" spell got sucked away into oblivion. She reminds him that she needs dozens of Travelers to sacrifice themselves in order to overwhelm her too. Okay, this is the part that makes no sense to me. Markos was able to come back from the Other Side because a shit ton of Travelers killed themselves, overwhelming the anchor (Bonnie) so he could slip by. How exactly does her being overwhelmed allow that to happen? Did she just not notice that he was coming through? If it is truly possible to pass both ways through Bonnie, can't she just let dead people back over all the time? I mean, if she's literally planning on how to overwhelm herself, it just seems kind of silly. Just fake it like "oh I'm totally overwhelmed Other Side!" It's one of those supernatural loop holes that The Vampire Diaries is obsessed with all the time even if they never make sense.

Anyway, Damon is all " my brother is over there!" as if we didn't just find that out and then he lists a bunch of other people who are dead, like Alaric and Bonnie's Grams, as if Bonnie somehow doesn't remember that her Grams is dead and on the Other Side.
Enzo: Ahem. Let's not forget who's also at the top of the search and rescue list.
Okay correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Alaric die in part because he became a crazy vampire-killing psychopath? And he's been dead forever. Just let him fucking be. If this is all just some screwed up way for the CW to re-hire Matt Davis I'm going to be annoyed. Bad enough we still have Stefan and Jeremy around, we need Alaric back? Blah.

Moving on... Bonnie needs a witch to perform the spell, which means she needs the WonderTwins, Liv and Luke. They are driving away from town, apparently very slowly. They are totally sure that all the vampires who want to kill them are already dead, thanks to the fact that the town being stripped of "spirit magic" therefore the vampires would have all reverted back to their original states before vampirism (i.e., dead people). Just then Elena appears in front of the car and Caroline behind.
Liv: Using our own tricks against us. Jerks.
Elena: A little tip. If you're gonna flee the scene of a crime, take backroads.
Liv: You really want to do this again?
Elena: You mean the part where you try to kill a doppelganger? No point. Stefan's already dead. 
They want her help to bring Stefan back, but she reminds them that if both doppelgangers are alive again, the Travelers can restart their spell and then all witch magic will go "bye bye" again and that means vampires die again and it's just a real waste of time. Elena lets them know that that's not a problem because they're going to totally kill all the Travelers anyway (including Markos) in order to do the spell in the first place. Luke's all "no way" this is a bad idea, our coven will flip out, but Caroline reminds him that Stefan saved his life. Liv is hesitant and says they can't risk it until Caroline just kills Luke.
Caroline: You're brother's officially on the Other Side. Think you can risk it now?
That's pretty ballsy considering they don't even know if Bonnie found a Traveler to teach them the spell yet or if Luke might get sucked away into oblivion before they do. I hope later they kill Liv too and let both of these idiots die for good.

Back in Mystic Falls, Sheriff Forbes is "cooperating" with Markos and the Travelers. She made up a gas leak in order to evacuate the towns people (the actual towns people, not the Travelers). Since the spell was broken before it could spread everywhere, it's basically just Mystic Falls that is free from spirit magic. How convenient. So they're moving the town sign and "re-set" the official Mystic Falls borders to where the borders of the new magic-free zone are.Yeah because that's totally the way town borders work. Oh the sign is here? Must be the border. Fuck all those stupid maps and shit.
Sheriff Forbes: Of all the small towns to call home, you probably shouldn't have picked one full of vampires.
Markos tells her that he's not afraid of vampires. They're not coming to save the day, not even her daughter. He opens up a van and pulls out Julian/Tyler who is chained up. Since he's a traitor he's going to use him as an example of why he's not afraid of vampires within the borders of Mystic Falls (or you know, the aforementioned fake borders of no-magic-land Falls.) Without magical vampirism to keep Tyler's body alive, he'll just be a boy with a broken neck. They throw Julian/Tyler over the border and he starts to die, while Sheriff Forbes looks on in horror.

Back in the dorms, Bonnie has just felt the death of Luke passing through her, or as Enzo puts it "one less witch twin in the world". Bonnie assures him she will personally bring Luke back. Ugh, why? Then Tyler appears to her. It's actually Tyler this time though, not Julian. Caroline was right; when Julian/Tyler died, Tyler's soul was released and his passenger lost. (Um, but where is Julian's soul? Did he wake up in his real body somewhere or is he dead too? If so, why isn't he passing through to the Other Side? That would certainly solve Bonnie and Enzo's problem of needing to find a Traveler to teach them the spell, wouldn't it? Although I guess that would be too convenient and the episode would be over about 30 minutes too soon. The list of people she has to bring back keeps growing... this is probably going to kill her right? Okay we'll wait and see.

Damon visits Jeremy and Matt in one of the college's classrooms to figure out where the anti-magic perimeter is. Apparently Jeremy went around town trying to judge where he felt his "hunter instincts" kick in or off in order to judge where the spirit magic was gone. Wherever his supernatural urge to kill vampires disappeared (i.e., wherever he hated Damon a little bit less) meant there was no magic.They have a map that Matt texts to Caroline and Elena who are on speakerphone. Sorry, I have to call bullshit on all of this. How are Jeremy and Matt able to walk around Mystic Falls at all without dying? Jeremy is only alive because Bonnie cast a spell to bring him back, so it's not just his vampire hunter "instincts" that would be affected by the lack of magic. His entire life would be effected because he's only alive because of her damn spell. And Matt has died several times and is only alive because of the Gilbert ring he wears (magic because of a  spell). So if that spell was also broken by the lack of spirit magic, he should also be dead. I call bullshit on this entire conversation because none of it is possible. They should all be dead! Follow your own rules CW!!

Next thing on the to do list is mass murder. They need to kill a ton of Travelers. Damon suggests they blow up the whole town in order to kill them all but Matt's not okay with that, because he lives there and shit. So they will get Sheriff Forbes to lure all the Travelers to one place. They'll turn on the gas, blow it up, kill all the Travelers, and do the resurrection spell.

Lexi and Stefan go to the Other Side version of the Grille to look for Alaric. She suggests that he's still hanging out in Mystic Falls because of Caroline. He's like "huh? what?" Come on, we all get it. Stop trying to hit us over the head with the Caroline-Stefan relationship. We get it. Stay tuned for this next season. They see Sheriff Forbes and Markos enter (on the opposite side, so they can only watch - not participate). Stefan realizes they're planning something because Sheriff Forbes is trying to lure the Travelers to the Grille with an open bar. Is that really all it takes?

Bonnie explains the spell to Jeremy and he's all "um what happens to you?" She's vague and hangs up. We all know she's going to die. Just then Stefan appears, but um, no it's not Stefan. It's Silas. He is the Traveler who is going to teach them the spell. Ha, good job Enzo, you couldn't find anyone else? Where the fuck is Julian when we need him? Bonnie's freaked out because Silas totally killed her dad, but now she needs him to bring back all her friends. Oh and he wants to come along for the ride too. I'm totally okay with that because Silas-Stefan was way more fun and interesting than regular Stefan. I'd personally prefer they both stay dead, but I'll take Silas over Stefan any day.

Meanwhile real Stefan and Lexi are still looking for Alaric. Lexi suggests that maybe he found peace. Um, what? So dead supernaturals can actually "find peace" and go away on the Other Side? Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of the Other Side? And if not, then why the hell would anyone stick around? Lexi suggests maybe she still has something left to do and so Stefan wants them to make a "death peace pact" (Lexi's words) in case they don't come back to life, they find peace together, before getting sucked into oblivion. Seriously, the writers are just making this shit up as they go along.

Bonnie is in some little church or chapel somewhere with ghost Silas, who is trying to teach her the spell and is totally impatient about that fact that she doesn't know how to pronounce "As vezat esvet" properly. God Bonnie, can't you do anything right?
Silas: I feel like I'm teaching Calculus to an infant.
Bonnie: I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous about unleashing a plague onto humanity.
Silas: Oh. I've been upgraded to a plague. How biblical. And fitting, seeing how I probably will kill a lot of people in an epic, all-inclusive way, once I'm out of here. Oh speaking of , how is my shadow self? Is it a  crime for someone so good looking to be so sad all the time?
Do you see why Silas is better than Stefan in every way? Elena arrives with Liv and asks if Bonnie found a Traveler, and she says yes, but declines to introduce them. She refers to him as a "moody old lady" though. Ha.

Jeremy and Matt travel through tunnels underneath the Grille so they can turn on the gas. Matt wonders if it's weird that they're going to blow up the only place dumb enough to hire them. Oh Matt. Then Matt wonders if killing all the Travelers will make magic return to Mystic Falls or not. He thinks it might be a nice place to live without magic - no vampire attacks, no blood rituals, safe like it used to be. Um, safe like it used to be? When exactly do you ever remember Mystic Falls being "safe" dude? There have been vampires hanging out in town for hundreds of years you moron. Jeremy doesn't like that idea because then he wouldn't be able to invite his girlfriend over. No concerns about your sister I see. Above ground the Travelers are having a raging party (man, the Travelers are douchebags) but they haven't given Sheriff Forbes a chance to speak. Which is really okay since the "speech" she was going to give them was just a ploy to get them there. She wants to leave but Markos doesn't want to let her go. He insists she stay for a drink.

Just outside town, Elena and Damon talk about the plan.
Damon: Listen, I wanted to spare you the gory detalis and then I figured, well I'd be lying and the whole point of saving the universe would be moot because then you'd be pissed. So here it is. Project Boom needs someone to trigger the explosion, so to speak.
Damon is going to be that someone person. Elena isn't having it. All she can see is a future with him. Really? Even though you spent the last few episodes trying to break up with him, you can't imagine life without him now? She won't let him go on a suicide mission, but technically it's only a half-suicide mission because he's going to be able to come baclk to life with the rest of the deados. Probably. Unless something goes wrong, she says. Way to jinx it bitch. He tells her that this is his choice and she needs to respect it. He promises he will make it back to her.

Back on the Other Side, Enzo and Bonnie are standing in the windy blueness... "It" is back. The thing that keeps trying to suck them away into oblivion. It tries to take Enzo but Bonnie helps save him. As Silas starts to blow away he reaches for Bonnie's hand but she refuses to help him. She got what she needed from him, he can go to hell, or um, wherever. So why exactly did she save Enzo then? Meanwhile, back inside the church (on the real life side) Liv starts the spell. It is exactly 7 o'clock. Matt and Jeremy break the gas main to start the leak and run away. Bonnie stands by Grams' grave hoping for her to show up so she can save her too. Grams tells her that she wil not survive all those people coming through her and even if she does she might still disappear when the Other Side goes because she's the anchor. She tells her it's been a privilege to watch her grow into the beautiful woman she has become. Bonnie wants her to pass through her when the ritual starts but she doesn't want to. She says she's going to be fine. She found peace because she made sure that Bonnie will find hers. Um, what? Bonnie doesn't understand and neither do we. Grams has made some kind of sacrifice to look out for Bonnie and we won't understand it probably until next season. They hug goodbye and then Grams leaves, as Stefan and Lexi look on from behind her.

Back at the Grille, Markos is getting suspicious of Sheriff Forbes. Her phone keeps ringing, she evacuated the town but didn't leave with it, she invited all the Travelers to this dope party... he thinks she's up to something. She asks "do you smell gas?" and they go into the back room to check if there's a leak. She knocks him out and texts Damon "They're here. Go now." Of course, Markos isn't really knocked out. He opens his eyes almost immediately because super powerful Traveler remember? The human sheriff is no match for him. Just as Damon is about to drive into town, Elena hops in the car with him. She says she's all in and he has to respect her choice. They're gonna Thelma and Louise this shit together.

As they cross the border, she starts to choke and cough again, like she's dying. They hold hands and drive into the Grill and it bursts into flames. Meanwhile Liv is still doing the spell, with dead Luke looking on and giving her a pep talk that she totally can't hear because he is fucking dead.

Just then all the Travelers appear and swarm on Bonnie in the woods.
Markos:  We can do this all day Bonnie. Your friends kill me and I come right back through you. I look forward to the deja vu.
The dead Travelers pass through her one by one. Ouch. Just then Damon and Elena arrive to pass through her to the Other Side. She tells them that they will wake up with their bodies on the Other Side and need to get back as soon as possible. I don't really understand this either. Why bother passing over to the Other Side if they're just going to pass right back? Why do they have to go through her at all? On the Other Side Elena's dead body is in the car (she wore her seatbelt for a suicide ride!) but Damon's been thrown from the car. Alaric meets her there and tells her that he will find Damon for her, she has to hurry up and get home to her brother. Damon wakes up next to his charred corpse and finds Sheriff Forbes lying there on the real world side. She didn't get out in time, but she looks like she'll live. How the hell is that possible that Markos died and Sheriff Forbes lived when they were in the same room!? She's trapped under something, but Alaric helps him lift it up.

Meanwhile Liv is chanting and chanting, as her nose bleeds. Luke realizes it's too much for her, they need to start already. His ghost self runs over to Bonnie to tell her to hurry the fuck up already. He passes through first, so he can go right back to Liv and help her. He tells her that she needs to stop or she might die, but she says she has to help them. She promised. All the dead people descend on Bonnie and pass through her in reverse from the Other Side back to life. How the hell this works makes no sense but okay fine.

Enzo passes through and then Tyler comes back next. He hugs Caroline back on the living side, but he realizes that something feels wrong. He cuts his hand and notices that he isn't healing. He came back... but not as a hybrid anymore. So does that mean that Enzo isn't a vampire? Are they all coming back as human? And if so what does that mean? When Katherine became human again she started to age rapidly and then die. But when Markos came through, he kept all of his Traveler supernatural powers. It's official. The writers are just making this shit up as they go along. Elena, Stefan and Lexi all meet Bonnie but don't want to pass through until they find Damon. Elena doesn't want to go without Damon but they force her through. Afterwards Bonnie starts coughing up blood. She stumbles falls into Stefan's arms which causes him to pass through by accident. Oops. They still haven't found Damon!

Bonnie is dying. Lexi notices that this is killing her but Bonnie says she can hang on, they have to finish this. Just then Markos appears, ready to pass through Bonnie as well. Lexi fights with him until he floats away into oblivion. Boy that oblivion sure has some interesting timing.  Bonnie reaches out to Lexi but she won't go. She knows that every person that passes through Bonnie kills her a little bit more. She can't risk killing her before Damon gets through because Stefan is her best friend and he needs his brother. You sacrifice for best friends. Guess she's found her peace now? Is that the trick? Sacrifice = Peace.

Liv is suffering, but just then Damon and Alaric finally show up. Alaric passes though but then Luke is like "screw those guys" and doesn't want to let Liv die for them. So he starts to chant something else and then the room goes dark. Bonnie grabs Damon but he doesn't pass through. It's too late. Seriously, someone needs to re-kill Luke for pulling that bullshit. What a dick. They only needed ONE MORE SECOND you asshole.

Elena runs to the church where Liv and Luke were. She wants them to restart the spell so they can get Damon back. Bonnie tells her that it's too late, but that Damon is there with them so she can say goodbye. Elena cries and honestly so do I. Fuck you CW. You totally killed the wrong Salvatore brother. Damon better come back next season or I am boycotting this show forever. Meanwhile Stefan is moping that he lost both Lexi and Damon. He knows it wasn't a coincidence that Markos didn't come through either. He knows that somehow was because of Lexi. He cries with Caroline.
Stefan: Damon finally had everything he wanted. He was happy. He should be here.
Now everyone is crying. Elena is crying way more of Damon's death than she was over Stefan's death earlier, which... yeah, I get it. And I totally agree.
Elena: You lied to me.
Damon: Even if I wanted to apologize you couldn't hear me. So I won't.
Elena: Please don't leave me.
Damon: I don't have a choice, baby. You are by far the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my 173 years on this earth. The fact that I get to die knowing that I was loved, not just by anyone, by you, Elena Gilbert, is the epitome of a fulfilled life. It's never gonna get any better than this. I peaked.
Elena cries hysterically, while ghost Damon tells her he loves her and she continues to plead. At the same time, Bonnie calls Jeremy and finally confesses that she was lying all along. There was never a way for her to stop being the anchor or come back. When the Other Side goes, she goes with it. She didn't want to change their last days together so she lied about it. She died long ago and the rest of this time she had with him, had just been a gift. She's thankful she didn't waste a second of it (Really, she didn't waste a second? Really? Let's all rewind the last season and count how much time she truly wasted.) She tells him to take care of Elena and that she loves him. He runs to go find her. He wants to say goodbye to her in person before she goes away. Alaric comes to the church to find Elena still crying, while Jeremy yells out for Bonnie. 

Then we see Bonnie and Damon together on the Other Side.
Damon: This place is going down isn't it?
Bonnie: It is. I'm sure there are a million  people we'd both rather be with right now, but ...
(she takes his hand)
Damon: ...couple thousand at most.
(They look at each other as a big bright light comes towards them.)
Bonnie: Do you think it'll hurt?
Damon: I don't kn---
Fade to white.

Fuck you CW.

View this episode (if you want to cry and complain like I just did) at Amazon Instant Video. Catch up on the entire season 5 here.

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