8.04.2014

True Blood Final Season: May Be the Last Time

This week's episode of True Blood (the final season) is called "May Be the Last Time" and I can only hope that means it may be the last time that we have to suffer through another Bill Compton flashback.

Violet looks hot even when she first wakes up.

Eric tortures Amber to find out how she has healed and whether or not her sister Sarah ("Noomi") Newlin came to see her while Pam and Gus Jr. look on. Gus Jr. suggests that money might be a primary motivator to her... and if they can get a hold of the virus antidote that Sarah/Noomi has, that could mean a lot of money for all of them. Amber won't help them and claims that Noomi is a "good person" an is the cure
Eric: Now your sister may have healed you, but she is killing me. She killed Jeremy. You loved Jeremy.
Eric reminds her that Sarah "set fire to that happiness" she had with Jeremy, as he burns a photograph of them. Amber won't tell him where she is because she saved him. So he lashes out in anger and stakes her, while Pam and Gus Jr. look on in shock and disgust. Did he just ruin their last chance at finding the cure?

Holly and Andy arrive at Fort Bellefleur (a.k.a. the Treehouse) looking for Wade and Adilyn. Andy calls Adilyn's cellphone and realizes that she has left the phone in the treehouse. He calls Jessica who is still crying over Bill with Sookie, while his Hep V veins spread faster and faster. Andy tells her that Adilyn is missing and wants to know if she can feel her if she is in danger. She hasn't felt her, which is great, because that means she's not in danger (yet) and she promises to call him if she does feel her. Holly suggest they check her ex-husband's lake house in Oklahoma. Road trip!

Of course, they're not in Oklahoma, they're with Violet. They are at some creepy house that presumably belongs to Violet. One room is full of stuffed animals (like taxidermy-stuffed) and there's also a private sex room full of toys and stuff. It's like Christian Grey's Red Room of Pain, only not red (not yet at least). Above it all presides a creepy portrait of Violet.
Violet: When I was your age, I used to fuck my brother too. A lot.
I fucking love this chick. I don't care who she eats or kills, I love her. Back at the Compton house, Sookie speculates as to whether the fact that she is fae has had an effect on Bill's infections and questions Bill about ways to slow down the spread of the virus... something experimental or whatever. She refuses to believe that there is no cure.

At Bellefleur's, vampire Keith startles Arlene. He tells her it isn't safe for her to be alone at night, so he wants to offer her his protection and see her home safely.
Arlene: This is silly, what are you 25?
Keith: I'm 515 years old.
Arlene: Look you're very attractive, but I"m not a fang-banger. Okay, I know who I am. And a human with a vampire is just wrong. You know?
Keith: (He kisses her.) Did that feel wrong?
Arlene: Yes.
Wait, is this a dream? He picks her up and pushes her over the pool table, rips off her clothes and fucks her on the pool table. Wow, that escalated quickly. Yes, it was a dream! Of course it was. But thank you writers for giving us more and more gratuitous sex scenes.

Meanwhile, Pam is pissed that Eric killed Amber but he says that she wouldn't have cooperated anyway.
Pam: Do you want to die?
Eric: I want to kill Sarah Newlin. That's why we came back, remember.
Pam: No.
Eric: No?
Pam: She's the antidote Eric. She can heal you. This isn't about caputure and kill anymore This is about caputure and..
Gus Jr.: Capture and exploit.
Jesus Gus, you could've knocked! (Although with their vampire hearing and reflexes they didn't hear him come in?) Gus Jr. offers them a business proposition. They track down Sarah Newlin together, they synthesize her blood and distribute it worldwide (as "New blood"). Yokonomo Corp. maintains controlling interest of the company but they will own 49%. The public has lost their trust in Yokonomo Corp. so they need a vampire to give a testimonial as to the antidote working.
Pam: You want Eric to be your fucking spokesman for your vampire Jenny Craig commercials?
Eric: Now I ain't a homo, but you have to admit he is a handsome devil. 
They give each other their words and they just have to trust each other. We'll see how well that works out for them.

Back at the Compton house, sick Bill lays in bed as the sun begins to rise. Jessica wants to stay up and watch him sleep but Sookie says she needs her rest. She suggests that she climb into bed with him, because you know, he's her daddy.
Jessica: You said hat you refuse to accept this. But what you gonna do?
Sookie: I don't know. But I meet people every day who say that they don't believe in miracles. Sometimes they don't say it; sometimes they're just thinking it, but when I hear that, I just wanna shake them cause how can you not believe in miracles and magic when they're happening all around us every single day. There's a miracle out there just waiting for Bill. I just have to go out there and find it.
Jessica: I really hope you do. 
As Bill sleeps, he dreams another flashback (to the year 1855). A young bratty Bill is told that it is time for him to get married to the neighbor's daughter. He wants to go to California and see the world and he wants to marry for love! His father admits he is dying, so Bill has to marry Caroline Shelby for his mother so their lands will combine and she won't have to worry about getting by after he's dead. Borrrrring.

Hoyt pulls up to Merlotte's (or he expected it to be Merlotte's, but it's now Bellefleur's) with his pretty blonde girlfriend Brigitte. Arlene hugs him and tells him she is sorry for his loss. He tells her the same. Lot of dead people on this show. The H vamps haven't made it to Alaska yet because it almost never gets dark there at this time of year. Let's all move to Alaska! He tells Arlene that he has to talk to Officer Stackhouse and she is confused that he doesn't remember his best friend Jason. Arlene calls Jason (who is vacuuming topless) to let him know that Hoyt is there.

At Violet's house Adilyn and Wade show how clueless they are about sex as they sit there awkwardly surrounded by dildos and lotions and shit. Adilyn reads Wade's thoughts and it becomes clear that he's not into any of this and is just doing it for her. She says "thank god!" because she's not either. He admits he is a virgin and of course she is too, because obviously, she's like a toddler.

Jason arrives at Bellefleur's and prepares to pretend that he doesn't know his best friend since childhood. They invite him to join them for breakfast and he's so uncomfortable especially since Hoyt's girlfriend is so pretty.

Tiny Dr. Ludwig arrives at Sookie's house (in a huge hummer jeep thing that's a thousand times bigger than she is) and Sookie takes her to Bill's house to see him. Meanwhile Bill is still flashback-dreaming about meeting Caroline for the first time. They both seem relieved to find that neither of them is what the other was expecting. They make awkward flirty small talk and this is the most boring flashback ever. Who cares...? These Bill flashbacks are the biggest drag all season. Is this the Bill show? Why the fuck do we care about how he met his wife or how he tried to be a civil war deserter but failed or how he was nice to slaves? Seriously... there are only a few episodes left and they're wasting our time. Unless it's Eric fucking in a vineyard or Pam working at a video shop I have no need for flashbacks! Just then  Dr. Ludwig arrives at Bill's for a check up and wakes him up.
Dr. Ludwig: Nasty nasty nasty. Congratulations Mr. Compton, they said it could not be done but you have thoroughly grossed me out.
Sookie questions her bedside manner while Dr. Ludwig questions whether they are monogamous, hahaha... She claims that the virus doesn't work this way. Symptoms wouldn't be showing up so soon if it was from only a few days ago and it wouldn't be spreading so fast. They admit that Sookie is a halfling (half fae) and Dr. L tells them about a similarly accelerated infection she came across that went from Stage 1 to Stage 3 in only 10 days. Turned out the infected partner was a fairy (full blood) but even he didn't look as bad as Mr. Compton. She wants to know her fairy lineage and upon learning that she's related to Niall Brigant, freaks out and leaves.

At the morgue, Hoyt views his mother's deceased bofdy and cries while Jason reminds himself to keep his eyes off of Hoyt's hot girlfriend. Brigitte asks for Jason's help in comforting Hoyt because he needs to talk to someone who knew Maxine. He tells him the story of how Vince (who apparently used to be an orthodontist) got the townsfolk all riled up and convinced them to take the law into their own hands. But then Jason lies and says that his mother wasn't one of them; she was "one of the good folks"... but he got the son of a bitch who did this to her. (Of course, the truth is that Maxine was one of them and it was Jason's girlfriend Voilet who killed her after she tried to shoot Jason and Hoyt's ex Jessica.)

Sookie goes to the cemetery (near the Compton gravestones) and asks "Grandpa Niall" to please materialize now, because while she doesn't like to have to ask for help, she really needs it now. The wind blows and she waits but he doesn't show.
Sookie: You know what, fuck this.
She returns home to find Niall in her kitchen asking for spaghetti. Sookie demands his help because he says if this munchkin doctor doesn't know how to heal him, what can he do? He admits that he is royalty and therefore dwarfs have an innate fear of them (probably because they killed so many of them in the past, um, yeah). Sookie questions if he's always watching and if so, did he know that she was infecting Bill as she was feeding him? He admits he did know but didn't stop it because he doesn't like him (for her). You and me both, Niall. You and me both. Sookie is pissed and says she can't think of any advantage of being what they are, so she's begging him to prove that they are special by using his magic for her to heal Bill. He agrees to try.

At the now abandoned Light of Day Institute, Sarah "Noomi" Newlin pulls up and hears singing and chanting of her past life. She hallucinates a vision of Jason Stackhouse playing football with his shirt off. Always with the shirt off! One day we should compile a montage of every shirtless Stackhouse scene. Has anyone done this already? She's so happy to see him because she feels so alone but he tells her that we all die alone and that she will die tonight because Eric is coming for her.
Hallucination Jason: Death comes for all of us and your number is up.
Sarah/Noomi: No, you're not real.
Hallucination Jason: Maybe not, but death is.
Just then the shot pulls back to Gus Jr. and his men who are viewing Noomi on a video screen via satellite. They've located her! One of the men alludes to the possibility of cutting Eric out of the deal. Will they really?

At Bellefleur's Sam and Arlene talk about Nicole and he questions whether she's right - is the whole town crazy? (Um, yes. That's the dumbest question anyone has asked on this show ever.) He loves Nicole and wants to be a father to his baby girl but this ultimatum (to leave town now or let her leave without him) has got him stumped.
Sam: At what point does the guy whose house keeps getting hit by a tornado call it a day and take his family and  move someplace else?
Um, how bout the first, second or third times!? Really, how many of your girlfriends have to end up dead before you let this one move out of town bro? Arlene says she knows Sam has spent his life running away from things and Bon Temps is the only place he's actually stayed and stuck it out. She asks if he leaves would it feel more like he was running from something or to something? Could he be happy here without them if he stays? When he answers these questions, he'll know what to do. He asks Arlene if she is happy and she says she fakes it but hopes that the more she fakes it the more she believes it until it's real. She's not she's not happy but she's not going to stop trying to be. Bom temps is where her life is; everyone she knows and love is here.

Andy and Holly knock on the door to her ex's lakehouse and her old key still works. They're still looking for Wade and Adilyn and Holly questions if Adilyn might be at a fairy hangout with some relatives on her mom's side (ha! But it does pose the question: where is Mauriella? Is she alive?) Holly goes outside to find Andy crying, looking out at the lake. It's so peaceful compared to their fucked up reality. He can't keep them safe. He feels responsible for Adilyn running away. Holly tells Andy to trust her intuition because she knows there will be a happy ending for them.

Niall takes a detour through the woods and says they need to channel nature's memory to get answers from nature's history. They take hands and do some violet light magic which leads to yet another Compton family history flashback, this time to Caroline giving birth to their daughter. Seriously, what the hell? Did the actress that plays Caroline demand a bigger role this season or something? Enough of her! Niall says that birth is a miracle and there's magic in the ordinary. Birth, love, death, forgiveness.. they are all miracles. He wants her to forgive herself and wants to give her advice: there are some things that can be fixed with magic, but her vampire friend is not one of them. Kind of a shitty way to make that point Grandpa.
Sookie: Thank you for the life lesson. Can you go now please?
Outside Tara and Lettie Mae's old house, Lettie Mae and Lafayette are digging holes looking for whatever it was that ghost Tara was trying to tell them. That's the only time we see them this whole episode. Weak.

At Bellefleur's Arlene sits alone in a booth when Keith shows up. He tells her that she isn't dreaming (even though the music playing is literally saying "Then I fall asleep to dream, my dreams of you"). He came as soon as the sun went down because he felt her pain. She says she thought they only sensed if they were in danger, but he tells her that the pain she is feeling is dangerous. They dance and she tells him that she is Hep-V positive and even though vampires are super sexual, they can't have sex.
Keith: Then let's just dance.
Awwww.

At crazy Violet's house, she awakes and goes to check on the lovebirds in the sex room. She knocks Wade out and then handcuffs Adilyn to the bed post. I love that she did it with purple fuzzy handcuffs. Jessica senses her fear and rushes out of bed to find them, waking Bill on her way out. Meanwhile Eric and Pam also wake up. (Seriously, is this a waking-up montage?) He realizes that they overslept and they fear that Gus Jr. and his gang are gone but when they rush outside they find them waiting. Guess Gus Jr.'s word is "oak," as he claimed.

Sookie rushes from her house to Bill's in her little white nightgown (flashback to season one!) and tells him that she won't leave him. She will stay with him until the end.

Meanwhile Sarah/Noomi is losing her shit as ghosts of her past taunt her - including Steve Newlin and Guru Sanbir Dutta (and the head of Governor Burrell). They tell her that she will die tonight. Rev. Newlin and the Guru fight over how she will die - as a Christian or a Buddhist.
Sarah/Noomi: I choose neither. I choose me. I am the cure. I am the messiah. I choose myself!
Dude! She pulled a Kelly Martin 90210 "I choose me!" Then Jason appears (unfortunately wearing a shirt this time) and tells her that she made a bad call... and death is coming for her now. Just then Eric, Pam, Gus Jr. and entourage pull up.

The episode closes on Bill and Sookie making love by the fireplace and he's naked in all his veiny grossness. Ughhhh. Why do we have to see this? I'd rather watch Eric rip some dude's face off again than have to see sick-and-veiny Bill fucking Sookie by the fire. Gross. Of course, the music plays "May Be the Last Time" and we can only hope! I wonder if she's going to give Eric a goodbye fucking too. Here's hoping!

Watch True Blood on HBO Go.

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