The Vampire Diaries: Bonnie and Damon's Excellent Adventure

This week on The Vampire Diaries the shit has really hit the fan. And the corn maze. And a bunch of people. Yeah... it's not good.

Stefan awakes in the middle of the night to a phone call from Tripp, who wants to thank him for turning Enzo over to him. Stefan is confused of course - wasn't he going to kill him? - but Tripp wants to pump him for information first. He wants the names of all his vampire buddies, but based on what Enzo has told him, there isn't really a big vamp problem in Mystic Falls anymore. The real problem is in Savannah, so Tripp is sending some of his buddies over there to check it out. Ahem, Stefan this is why you don't use vampire-hunters to take out your enemies for you! Fucking serves him right. Meanwhile, Ivy is still acclimating to being a baby vamp. She confesses to Stefan that she killed his boss Dean, because she woke up to find him burying her in the woods and well, she didn't like that very much so she drained him. (He probably was delicious though.) She's pissed - really pissed, thanks to her heightened vampire emotions. She blames him for her current state (because he lied to her about who/what he was, which in turn got her mixed up with Enzo, dead, and then undead) and also because he isn't really doing a great job of vampire mentoring.
Ivy: Two blood bags and a lesson on sunlight? Wow. Thanks a million.
She's so angry that she lunges for him, but he snaps her neck. Stefan decides to take a drive to Whitmore college to ask Caroline for help. He brings Ivy to the dorms, locked in a trunk to protect her from the sunlight and then asks Care Bear to babysit and help train her while he goes to guilt Luke into making her a daylight ring.

In Occult Studies, Alaric teaches his class about the supernatural origins of "Homecoming." I'm not even going to explain it, because it's  so stupid. This show just keeps coming up with excuses for the kids to throw parties and for Alaric to be on screen at all. It has been brought to my attention recently that perhaps my hatred of Alaric is a little excessive. I disagree, he just really fucking sucks. Speaking of people I hate, Tyler is still flirting with stupid bitch witch Liv and it makes me want to barf every time. Elena approaches Alaric after class and he asks if has changed her mind yet. She still doesn't want to remember loving Damon, so she declines his offer to bring back "the traumatic memories of loving a serial killer."
Elena: Am I gonna see you at the party tonight?
Alaric: I'm waiting on the mixer for 30-something vampires jst back from the dead. Less of a crowd.
She doesn't want him to hide out and become a vampire hermit, but really... shouldn't we all want him to avoid becoming that creepy professor who spends all his time hanging out with his students. Oh wait, he already is that guy. Alaric, if you really are 30-something maybe you should make a few friends who aren't teenagers. The only "teen" in the area who is actually old enough to hang out with you is Stefan, so just the two of you go off and be brooding, mopey, douchey vampires together and leave the rest of us alone. Elena invites Liam to the corn maze and promises not to try to hook him up with any of her friends this time. I can't wait for this smug asshole to get eaten. (The ratio of people I hate on this show to people I don't hate is growing larger and larger every week.)

Over in the time warp prison, Bonnie and Damon debate how to get the fuck out of 1994 without getting screwed over by sociopath Kai. He explains how it will work: The eclipse will happen directly overhead in perfect alignment with the Gemini constellation. They will dig their way into the underground tunnels directly below. The light above will shine down and activate the ascendant, as Bonnie will recites the spell (or as he puts it, "a little witchy woo"). Then anyone standing in the light holding the ascendant goes home.
Kai: Have you never portal-jumped through an eclipse before?
Ivy borrows a dress from Caroline (of course it's white, so we can be sure it'll be covered in blood later). She wants to go to the party but Caroline won't allow it, even though she really wants to go and is pissed that Stefan basically ignored her for months and then turns around to ask for a favor. Whattttt a dick asking the girl who's in love with you to babysit your ex-girlfriend. And now he's late! Ivy is so bored she asks Caroline to play a board game (pun intended), but as soon as she turns her back, she breaks her neck and runs away. Guess she learned that trick from Stefan. See, this is why we have to be good role models for our kids!

The corn maze party is even lamer than the swimming hole party. Seriously, these Mystic Falls/Whitmore kids need to break some of their stupid traditions and start having good old fashioned keggers. Elena didn't just invite Alaric, she also invited Dr. Jo so she can secretly try to set them up without them knowing... and Dr. Jo actually came. What is wrong with the professors at this college!? If any of my teachers were ever caught out at a party with underaged students drinking alcohol and running around like idiots, they'd be fired ASAP. I could understand if she came to the party because of the set-up (although letting your students set you up is still creepy), but if she doesn't even know and showed up just because her student invited her? That is creeptastic!

Stefan visits Alaric who is drinking booze in his classroom. (He is like the worst teacher ever.) He explains that he got Luke to make Ivy a daylight ring and Alaric isn't exactly happen to see him. Apparently, all these months he was gone, he lead him to believe that his new girlfriend was a witch who could help Damon and Bonnie, not just some idiot who Enzo turned. He wants him to compel Ivy to get a handle on things, get away from Stefan and move on with a fresh start, but Ric ain't having it.
Alaric: Are you asking me to help you with a breakup?
He says he did it for Elena when he compelled her to forget about Damon but Alaric fires back with the fact that Stefan forgot him first. Burrrrn. He threatens to compel him to "be the guy I used to know" if he doesn't get out of his face because Damon was his best friend (he was? Wow, Alaric really doesn't have any friends does he?)

Ivy is wandering around town (which appears to be nearly deserted, since all the losers are at the corn maze) and finds some dude to bite and drink his blood. Unfortunately, she runs into a snag when she realizes that she hasn't learned how to compel yet.
Ivy: There. I snatched. I ate. Now... erase.Man: Erase what? What the hell are you doing to me?
Ivy: I... I don't think I did it right. And I'm still hungry. Oh, my god I am totally gonna kill you. You should run!
Well this isn't going to end well.

As they prepare for the spell, Kai reveals that he has packed a few important supplies - Zima, grunge, a ton of A-Rod rookie cards, and a pager ("555-HIYA-KAI, no way I'm giving those digits up"). Bonnie wants Kai to show her the spell before they go anywhere, but he won't. So she tries to call his bluff and dares him to take all of her magic, so he can do the spell himself. He sucks a lot of her magic out of her, but doesn't kill her. That's when she realizes that he doesn't even know the spell, so they don't need him. She uses magic to plunge the pick axe into his chest. Oopsy. Damon's all WTF DID YOU DO but Bon Bon's got a plan.

Meanwhile, Elena and Liam are officially lost in the corn maze. (Corn mazes and underage drinking do not mix.) He accuses her of still being hung up on her ex and going to med school to prove to the guy who dumped her that he messed up... foot in mouth!
Elena: Actually, he died.
Liam: Or that. I'm sorry. I thought Stefan was...
Elena: No.
Um, what? Stefan isn't your ex anymore? Lies! Lies! Guess she doesn't want to tell him that she dated not one but two murderous brothers. Just then, a stupid girl screams and scares Dr. Jo, but Alaric comes to her rescue. They realize that Elena invited them both (daring them to "get out of the classroom and live a little") and then ditched them both so they could awkwardly hang out together. Alaric offers her his flask and so now they're not just at a party with underage drinkers, they're drinking too! Best teachers ever. Maybe Alaric can compel them some tenure. Tyler's driving to the party when the bloody guy Ivy ate runs in front of his car and causes him to get into an accident. He gets knocked out speeds right through the corn maze, nearly killing a bunch of drink idiots. Good thing there's a doctor, a few med students and a few vampires here! Liam calls Elena over to a girl who is near death due to her injuries, but she says she can handle it and sends him off to find someone else. She uses her blood to heal the girl, compelling her to forget that's how it happened and help getting other people the heck out of there. Tyler wakes up in a ditch somewhere, pulls himself out of the car over on the side of the road and finds the bleeding guy that he hit. Tyler calls Elena and tells her that this guy he hit is going to die and if that happens, he'll trigger the curse and turn into a werewolf all over again. He begs for her help but she reminds him that he drove through the corn maze and there are injured and dying people all over. She tells him to keep the guy awake and she will go find Alaric and Jo for help. Alaric is badly injured but obviously he's fine, however the sight of Jo's blood is causing him some problems. Cravings!

Tyler is still freaking out trying to save this guy's life because he just cannot let the werewolf curse happen again. Luckily Liv shows up to help. Unluckily, she's like no help at all. But they call Elena again, who puts Dr. Jo (who is busy saving some other bleeding dude, while Alaric helps and tries not to eat anyone) on speakerphone to talk him through it. Based on the information they give her though, she realizes there's nothing they can do but keep him comfortable until he dies. That is not what Tyler wanted to hear. Tyler tries and tries to keep this guy from dying, but Liv tells him to stop. There's nothing he can do. He's losing his shit because after everything they've tried to do to keep him from the curse, all it took was one guy running into the road. She puts her hands over the guys nose and mouth and smothers him until he stops breathing. Now Tyler didn't kill him. Liv did. So the curse wasn't triggered. Wow.

In town, Caroline sees blood all over a car window (where Ivy ate the guy) and realizes something bad has happened. Stefan finally shows up and Caroline is pissed that he was gone for so long. He was going to leave Ivy there with Caroline (having slid a daylight ring under her door). What a dick! He was just trying to start over but then Caroline and Enzo showed up.. now he has hunters on his back, a murderous ex-girlfriend, and he's not happy about it. But that's still a real douche move. Care is pissed of course and frankly so am I. Stefan sucks so hard. He gets back in his car and just drives away, when Ivy calls Caroline for help.

Bonnie continues to try to figure out what to do with the ascendant, while Damon drinks Zima. 
Damon: On the bright side, this stuff's not so bad. It's fruity and fizzy. On the not so bright side... is your intelligence because you took the only chance of us geting out of here and turned him into a giant douche-kabob.
Bonnie: Think about it Damon, what kind of a prison gives an inmate a key? 
She thinks that the Gemini coven used a Bennett spell to create this place and that's probably why her Grams send her there. The last thing she told her was to stay strong, which was her way of telling her she has the power to get out. She holds the ascendant and starts to chant and it starts to move. That's why Kai wouldn't kill her. He needed a Bennett! She was his only way out of there. This means they are going home! Bonnie drips some blood onto the ascendant and stands directly under the eclipse, chanting, while Damon takes her hand. They have a nice little moment before they are about to leave, but just then Kai shows up and shoots an arrow through Bonnie's chest, knocking her down and knocking the ascendant out of her hands. He tells him that he can't die. (Of course, he tried to kill himself before, having been stuck there for ever.) Damon pulls the arrow out her chest and then attacks Kai. Damon and Kai fight, while Bonnie struggles to get the ascendant. Damon tells her to get out of there, but she says she's not going ot make it. But he can. She tosses the ascendant into his hands and he goes flying off into the light. The ascendant shatters when it hits the ground without him and Bonnie collapses, as Kai shouts "Nooo!" Clever move Bon Bon! Although now you're stuck in 1994 with a serial killer and no hot guy to make you pancakes every morning.

Almost everyone from the corn maze is taken care of and accounted for, except for one chick that Liam is tending to, who can't breathe. Elena is all ready to give her blood, but he instead he asks her to stablize her head so he can "trache her." Then he shoves a pen into her throat to help her start breathing again and it works! I'm sorry, but are first year pre-med students really able to do that? I call shenanigans. Later as the injuried parties are leaving, Liam notices the girl that he left Elena with before and she is totally fine. He can't believe it.

Later, at the hospital, Alaric brings Jo a cup of coffee as she recovers from her wound. She's hopped up on pain pills, so she tells him that she thinks he's great and brave and funny and maybe the most attractive man she's ever seen. She feels like she was meant to know him and feels comfortable telling him this for some reason and now she wants him to kiss her. He's hesitant. He tells her that he thinks she is amazing, brilliant, and one of the sexiest women he's ever met. He'd love to believe they were meant for each other, and there was another plan for him, but no. He starts to compel her to believe that tonight was a disaster... that she thought he was boring and a borderline alcoholic. She doesn't know him (not the real him) and doesn't want to kiss him or be with him at all. She looks up at him and replies that yes, tonight was a disaster and he's definitely an alcoholic... but he's far from boring. She kisses him and he's freaked out. Why didn't his compulsion work on her? Is she on the vervain? Is she not-compellable? Is compellable a word? Has he somehow lost his powers of compulsion? There's no logical reason why he would have lost his powers completely but I have to consider that as an option because it would certainly complicate things if he was unable to return Elena's memories of Damon. That's just the kind of shitty plot twist the CW would throw at us just as they're about to bring Damon back to life.

Ivy is still standing on the side of the road waiting for Caroline, blood all over her white dress, when a a van pulls up. Unfortunately, it's not Caroline, it's Tripp and his murder-kidnapper van. She tries to get him to leave, but he won't. He shoots her with vervain and carries her into the van just as Caroline shows up to witness this from afar. Guess she's about to be reunited with her maker Enzo. Wonder if she's going to be as tight-lipped about the other vampires in town as Enzo was. Wait a minute. We haven't seen Jeremy, Matt or Sarah this entire episode. Why didn't they go to the corn maze? What happened after Matt and Enzo had their encounter last episode? Does Sarah know her great great great uncle Stefan is around? I NEED TO KNOW.

Okay, wrapping up the end of the episode... Liam walks Elena back to her dorm room and asks her how she was able to save that girl, who should've died but somehow is totally fine. How did that happen? She tries to pass it off as one of those "crazy and mysterious" things that aren't explained by science, but he doesn't buy it so she kisses him to shut him up.  That usually works. She tells him that he was a hero tonight and that's her type... I smell a love triangle coming up once Damon returns to the present day.

At the bar, Liv is crying as she restocks the napkins. Tyler shows up to let her know that everyone else from the corn maze lived, but she doesn't want to talk about it. He tells her that she killed someone tonight (thanks bro) and they can't pretend that it didn't happen. But he tries to make her feel better by reminding her that there was nothing they could've done to save that guy, so she saved him instead.
Tyler: You saved me. I can never repay you for that. All I can do is promise you that I won't waste it. 
That would've been the perfect moment for them to kiss, but that would make me throw up so let's just move on to my least favorite Salvatore brother and then I'm going to take a nap.

Stefan visits the crypt filled with his dead family members (well, everyone but Damon because wherever he is, it's not there) and talks to Damon's ghost. He's not doing so great without him. He's trying to start over, but he can't get anywhere. He's lost. In frustration, he throws a bottle of booze across the room just as Damon appears and catches it.
Damon: So what? I'm gone a couple of months you think it's okay to waste a perfectly good bottle of bourbon?
Stefan is in shock, but Damon reassures him that he's not dead. He's really there, in the flesh, he's back.
Damon: This stuff's good but it's not I see dead people good. It's a hell of a long story brother, but I'm back. I'm back.
Stefan starts to cry when he touches Damon's shoulder and realizes it really is true. They hug and cry and it's actually kind of sweet. Too bad Bonnie's still stuck in 1994 and Elena has erased Damon. They've both got some 'splainin' to do next week.

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